


Shadows & Stars

by Jibrille



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Comics), Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:14:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22876882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jibrille/pseuds/Jibrille
Summary: You belong in the shadows... Spike had once whispered that phrase in her ear, back when she was still a broken thing and still clung to her death as if it was the best thing that had ever happened to her and he was the worst.
Relationships: Spike/Buffy Summers
Kudos: 13





	Shadows & Stars

**Author's Note:**

> Set post-BTVS and features a bit of the early comic books. I wrote this a couple of years ago while reading Season 8. I wasn't overly fond of Season 8, because of many things, but especially because it never seemed to deal with how Buffy felt about Spike's death. This is a very Spuffy-oriented story, but does discuss other pairings. Obviously we are in Season 10 now, so the comics story has changed (a lot!) but I hope this is a good window on how Buffy felt in Season 8. Refers to Spike/Buffy, Xander/Renee, and references to Angel/Nina, Angel/Buffy, Xander/Anya, Willow/Tara, and Willow/Kennedy.

_You belong in the shadows..._

Spike had once whispered that phrase in her ear, back when she was still a broken thing and still clung to her death as if it was the best thing that had ever happened to her and he was the worst.

It was late. Or early. She wasn't sure of the time, but it must be at least two in the morning by now. Despite her lengthy stay in Scotland, her brain seemed to still be running along on California time, and it was almost impossible to sleep as her thoughts danced with hyperactive energy that would give Red Bull a run for its money. Even when Buffy finally allowed herself to relax into slumber, there were always the dreams. Slayer dreams, regular dreams, dreams of things that were gone and things yet to come.

Sleep wasn't a haven for Buffy, not anymore.

_Not since that night, the night before..._

Buffy closed her eyes, wanting there to be a way -- any way that didn't involve magic -- to stop the memories and the hurting.

_Don't go there._

Her favorite place to escape late at night in their castle headquarters was the old-fashioned ornate pool that would put to shame the tiled wonders she had seen on a trip to Hearst Castle as a child. Cobalt blue tile lined the bottom of the pool, deepening the water to midnight hues, and beautiful white and gold mosaics glittered in the bright Scottish sun during the day. Half the pool was inside the stone walls of the outer building, but the rest of the area was gloriously exposed to the sun and stars. It seemed like such a strange and oddly ostentatious addition to a Watcher compound and training facility. Everything inside was as modern as the outside was ancient, except for this pool.

Back when the team first arrived in Scotland, before Willow's defection and Dawn's arrival, Giles had explained that this was once a castle owned by an ancient Scottish family. Firmly fixed in the peerage due to a marriage into an English lordship prior to the dissolution of the clans, they were old money and had been watchers for centuries. There were always rumors that there was at least one kelpie in the family tree, and apparently the pool was originally built for a particular water-loving daughter of one of the former Earls. The line died out, and the entire facility was donated upon the last lord's death as a center of operations and a base to train the potentials. The lord had obviously spared no expense on his home when he was alive, and the Council had gone on to retrofit the facility with the latest mystical and machine-based technologies before the First Evil had taken them out.

The pool was actually quite soothing. Buffy insisted that it was a necessary expense to keep the deep water at a bearable temperature; there was no reason to torture the girls as they trained. They had enough to deal with, their lives changed forever, and the pool was too beautiful not to bring them joy.

Buffy stilled her movements as she reached the deep end of the pool, easing into the shadows, the water reflecting the stars overhead so she felt as if she were floating in space. The pleasantly warm water surrounded her and kissed her skin with tiny waves, and for a moment Buffy felt at peace. She preferred the lights off, content to soak up the moonlight and lie on her back looking up at the brilliantly clear sky. It was a heavenly place to be late at night, completely abandoned, the silence a balm to her bruised body and still-healing soul. It was the closest she could feel to heaven, now that...

 _I just love torturing myself, don't I?_

She had to admit it; she missed him. Every day, every hour, every minute.

Now that he was gone, she was back to the mission as her focus. She gave a lot fewer speeches now, but she often wondered how her life was really all that different than before she, Spike, and Willow changed the world. The worst part of it was that she knew Spike's sacrifice was not only to save everyone but because he thought it would give her a chance to live a normal life. The life she had always wanted.

In the end, she was still the slayer, not even "a slayer" – but still "the one". She was the general, a leader of the soldiers against the forces of evil and all that crap.

_But that's me, being all Buffy-centric again, isn't it?_

Spike hadn't died for her, not really. He had sacrificed himself because he was a good man and wanted to do the right thing. To save the world. And... he had a death wish. How many times had he asked her to just put him out of his misery that year?

_He was just like me, when I jumped to save Dawn. Just like me, and I refused to see it. If only..._

That last night, tucked away in the basement, shielded from potentials and friends, was the first and the last time they had truly been lovers, united in body and soul. Why hadn't she realized it was a goodbye?

Buffy flipped over on her stomach and broke the still glassy water with clean easy freestyle strokes, executing a neat turn at the end of the lane. She had always been a good swimmer, winning several trophies on her junior swim team. Her mother had always been disappointed that Buffy chose to go into cheerleading in high school instead of keeping up with her swimming. She remembered telling her mother that there was "No way" that she was going to keep up with a sport that gave her such ugly tan lines. Those racing suits were definitely not designed for a sexy look.

_Had things really once been that easy? Worry about tan lines?_

Those were the days when she still craved the sun.

The laps felt good, each stroke came easily and it let her focus on something other than thoughts better left buried. One, two, three, breathe right, one, two, three, breathe left. Kick. Turn. Push. Breathe. She lost herself in the chant, and she wondered how much time had passed when she slowed to cool down, gentle strokes, deep breaths.

Every inch of her body felt worked out, tingly, sore. Swimming and sex with Spike, two of the only ways to work out the entire body.

_God, back to Spike again. I miss him. His smile, his love, his snarky comments. The amazingly fantastic sex wasn't too bad either. I'm such a disaster._

Buffy admitted to herself that she was lonely. Despite her big show of being SINGLE AND OK, it was all a bunch of hooey. She jealously watched Willow leave with Kennedy, and the two of them barely checked into headquarters unless it was a dire emergency. Xander seemed to be starting up something with Renee, one of the new Slayers.

Her isolation was painful enough that she considered getting a boyfriend, but how would any human compare to Spike? He'd spoiled her for normal guys. The only guy who might fit the bill, Angel, was apparently currently dating a pretty blonde werewolf according to Andrew's highly detailed intel (including photographs which she wished she hadn't seen). So much for him waiting; and obviously getting a _happy_ wasn't quite the same as perfect happiness. Or maybe he was evil now, she found it difficult to care overly much. Once again, Buffy's heart was numb.

_I need to learn to just be Buffy. I don't NEED a guy in my life._

_Yeah right._

She was lonely, strangely horny, and missed the one guy who had made her feel like no one else ever had or probably ever would again. Her hands reached up to cup her small breasts, nipples erect with the cold and her frustrated need, and she was warm in places definitely not related to exercise. Her eyes drifted shut and she pictured his hands caressing her, his fingers rubbing gently, rolling her nipples between his fingers. Her chest was bit bigger now that she had put back on some of the weight she had lost during the worst of her dark days. Spike wouldn't have wanted her to fade away, and so she forced herself to eat, to exercise, to live. She remembered, back before things had gone so wrong, when he used to chatter to her during sex. "Bloody amazing tits, love, let me kiss them… Just right, just ripe enough…" Buffy closed her eyes and let warm dark water embrace her, the pool the closest thing she could find to a tactile memory of his hands and mouth and cock on her skin. Her hand drifted lower, grazing her taught stomach.

_I miss him. This all wouldn't be so difficult, this country and this new life wouldn't be so awful, if only he were here with me._

Voices.

"Dammit," Buffy took a deep breath and dropped to the bottom of the pool, swimming underwater towards where her towel waited on a chair next to the poolside. She stood up, annoyed to notice that the water still came up to her nose even in the shallow end. She heard the heavy door to the pool area creak open, and laughter drifted her way.

 _Oh god._ Was there any way to escape without them seeing her?

"Is there someone in the pool?" A woman's voice asked, likely hearing Buffy splash over to the wall.

Buffy heard a heavy switch click, and blinked as the old-fashioned pool lights warmed, dimly glowing soft pink at first and quickly easing into a bright white. The outdoor lights switched on next, brighter and newer, the halogen lamps flooded the entire area instantly.

"Is there...?" It was Xander's voice, he walked toward the pool and his remaining good eye blinked at the wet girl leaning up on the white tile gutter. "Oh, hey, Buffy! Wow, I'm sorry, Buff. I had no idea you were in the pool. Couldn't find the light switch?"

"No worries, Xan. Nope, couldn't find the light, but swimming in the dark isn't so bad when the moon is out," Buffy babbled, and peeked over the edge, locating her towel. She attempted a bright smile and a wave at the fuzzy image of Xander and someone else walking hesitantly from the far side near the indoor section of the pool.

The chlorine and darkness had blurred her eyes, and all of the lights wore bright distracting halos. Buffy hefted herself out, landing smoothly on her feet, and grabbed her soft blue towel. Xander approached as Buffy rubbed her face dry, then carefully wrapped the fresh-smelling cotton terrycloth around her chest, tucking it in place.

The person with Xander was Renee. The slightly exotic-looking slayer smiled shyly in her direction, and Buffy smiled and nodded back. The petite slayer was nothing like Xander's usual type; she was actually quite sweet and reminded Buffy more of Willow when she was still in high school. Shy, smart, good with computers -- and interested in Xander. Buffy admitted she approved, although Renee probably counted as yet another demon girl notch on Xander's bedpost. At least a slayer was the demon you know, and she was definitely not of the evil variety.

"Hey, Watcher-man. Hey, Renee, nice swimsuit. Shiny!" Buffy's voice was a respectable (and hopefully convincing) perky chirp. Her teeth chattered, the Scottish air wasn't exactly designed for comfort, especially when dripping wet and more than a bit startled by the sudden end to her quiet reverie.

Renee blushed at Buffy's compliment, her blue and silver sporty-looking bikini looked new and Buffy wondered if she had purchased with a midnight swim with Xander in mind. Well, at least someone was getting some. Buffy winked in Xander's direction.

Xander, meanwhile, rolled his eye, and ground out, "Not. A. Watcher."

He looked good, much trimmer than he had been only a few months ago, wearing black swim trunks and a white towel around his neck.

"He likes to be called Sergeant Fury, you know," Renee shared, winking at Buffy.

"Sergeant whatsitwho?" Buffy really did like her. Anya probably would have pushed Buffy toward the door, adamant that Buffy needed to leave because it was time for Xander and Anya to have **sex now**.

"It's a comic book thing," Renee said knowledgeably, "He's actually quite cool. Err, Sergeant Fury that is. Not that Mr. Harris isn't..." She quickly changed the subject, embarrassed. "Sorry to interrupt your swimming. You really don't need to leave if you don't want to..."

Xander blushed himself, to Buffy's surprise, and muttered, "You can call me Xander, just like I keep telling you. Mr. Harris makes me feel like I'm turning into my Dad."

He shuddered comically, but looked happier than she had seen him look in years. Renee made him smile, and this was a good thing, because she knew he still missed Anya.

_Anya._

Maybe she had been a little annoying, okay MASSIVELY annoying, but it did still feel like an empty hole in their group where Anya used to be. _And Tara too. And..._

_Spike._

"No, no," Buffy smiled, "I'm all done. I was just getting a few laps in during downtime. It's such a nightmare out here during the day with all the girls. You two go ahead and enjoy the pool, it's super warm."

Buffy managed to keep the smile plastered on her face all the way back to her room, trying not to drip too much on the floor as she shivered in the climate-controlled hall. She entered the key code to open her door, and slid out of the bright artificial light of the hall and inside into the comforting darkness as the door closed behind her.

The smile finally disappeared. Buffy sighed; she had faced the light but it was still easier to embrace the darkness and the quiet.

Tomorrow, maybe, she would start working on facing the loneliness. If only she could turn off the instant-replay in her head.

 _"Goodnight, love,"_ he had whispered as he pulled her close on the cot, that last evening they spent together.

Buffy hadn't said anything then, instead turning to wrap her arms around him and pull him into a gentle kiss. The first kiss since he had a soul.

 _Stop, Buffy._ She shook herself. _There's no going back now._

Spike had made a choice; the same choice as she had made more than once. He had chosen to save the world, and she had to let him go and respect his choice.

_147 days yesterday... 148 today. Except today doesn't count, does it?_

"Goodnight, Spike," she whispered into the shadows.

It was silent. The shadows did not whisper back.


End file.
